im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
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