Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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