I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
