woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
