God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
