1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
