and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
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Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
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Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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