She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
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My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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