God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
