Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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