please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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