Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
