I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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