i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
