Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
there is puke in my bra ... again
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
