I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
