When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
