i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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