dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
