took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
