So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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