i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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