I met the friendliest cop last night
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
