i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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