this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
