There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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