we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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