I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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