dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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