Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
