I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
