I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
