I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
