so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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