So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
