If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
