I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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