i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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