There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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