i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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