I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
