I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
