Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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