Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
