I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
