he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Randomize
