So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
not ubering you a puppy
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
