I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
