Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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