I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
