life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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