I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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