I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
