I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
