Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
