a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
